How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Addict

How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Addict Addiction Coping and Recovery Print How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Addict Learn the Difference Between Helping and Enabling By Buddy T facebook twitter Buddy T is an anonymous writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Learn about our editorial policy Buddy T Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD on April 11, 2016 Steven Gans, MD is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital. Learn about our Medical Review Board Steven Gans, MD Updated on June 04, 2019 laflor/Getty Images More in Addiction Coping and Recovery Methods and Support Overcoming Addiction Personal Stories Alcohol Use Addictive Behaviors Drug Use Nicotine Use If you have a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict, youve probably been hearing that you may be an enabler. Al-Anon is an excellent organization which helps loved ones of alcoholics not only cope with a loved ones alcoholism but addresses the role played by loved ones in enabling that behavior. But how can you know if you are being an enabler or if what you are doing is normal helping? If you find that you have been an enabler, how can you stop? Lets talk about the difference between enabling and helping and then give you some practical tips and examples on how to stop enabling your alcoholic. Enabling vs Helping an Alcoholic Many times while trying to help, friends and family members actually make the situation worse by enabling the alcoholic (such as giving them the wrong types of gifts that can enable their addiction). What Is Enabling? Enabling is defined as doing things for the alcoholic that they normally could and would do for themselves if they were sober. In contrast, helping is doing something that the alcoholic could not or would not do for themselves if sober. Helping does not protect an alcoholic from the consequences of his or her actions. Anything that you do that does protect the alcoholic or addict from the consequences of his or her actions, could be enabling him to delay a decision to get help for their problem. Therefore, its in the best interest of the alcoholic, in the long run, if you stop whatever you are doing to enable them. Enabling is not helping. 10 Things to Stop Doing If You Love an Alcoholic How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Drug Addict You may realize at this point that you have been enabling your loved one with alcoholism (though you probably thought you were helping) and wonder how to change. In a way, learning to stop enabling an alcoholic or drug addict is very empowering. We cant change other people, but we can change our behaviors and reactions towards those people. Here are several practical ways in which you can stop being an enabler today. (In these examples we may use he or she, but an alcoholic can be male or female, a spouse, a parent, a child, another relative, a co-worker or a friend.) Do Support for recovery efforts Set boundaries Let the alcoholic deal with consequences Don't Make excuses for the alcoholic Take over personal responsibilities Save from legal consequences Cease Doing Anything That Allows the Alcoholic to Continue Their Current Lifestyle Are you working and paying some of the bills that the alcoholic would be paying if he hadnt lost his job or missed time from work due to drinking? Or are you providing the alcoholic food and shelter? If so, you could be enabling. You are providing him with a safety net that allows him to lose or skip his job with no real consequences. Do Nothing to Help the Alcoholic That They Could or Would Be Doing If Not Drinking If the alcoholic has lost his license, giving him a ride to an A.A. meeting or job interview is helping because that is something he cannot do for himself. But, looking up the schedule of meetings in the area, researching the requirements for getting his license back, or searching the classified ads for employment opportunities are things that the alcoholic should be doing for himself. Stop Lying, Covering Up or Making Excuses for the Alcoholic Have you ever had this conversation: Sorry, he cant come into work today, hes has picked up some kind of flu bug? when in fact he is too hungover to go to work? That conversation is enabling because it is allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. You might say, But, he could lose his job! Losing his job might just be the thing that needs to happen for him decide to get help. Do Not Take on Responsibilities or Duties That Rightfully Belong to the Alcoholic Are you doing some of the chores around the house that the alcoholic used to do? Have you taken on parenting responsibilities with your children that the two of you used to share? If you are doing anything that the alcoholic would be doing if she was sober, you are in a way enabling her to avoid her responsibilities. When We Say Enabling, We Are Not Saying the Family Is to Blame Do Not Give or Loan the Alcoholic Money If you are providing money to the alcoholic for any reason, you might as well be going into the liquor store and buying his booze for him. And yes, buying booze for him is enabling. Thats what you are ultimately doing if you give an alcoholic money, no matter what they say they plan to do with the cash. Dont Rescue the Alcoholic by Bailing Him Out of Jail or Paying His Fines Rushing in to rescue the alcoholic may satisfy some personal desire you have to feel needed, but it doesnt really help the situation. It only enables the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. In Al-Anon, they call it putting pillows under them so that they never feel the pain of their mistakes. Do Not Scold, Argue, or Plead With the Alcoholic You may think that when you are scolding or berating the alcoholic for her latest episode, that it is anything but enabling, but it actually could be. If the only consequence that she suffers for her actions are a little verbal spanking from someone who cares about her, she can slide by without facing any significant consequences. Do Not React to His Latest  Misadventures Allowing Him to Respond to Your Reaction Rather Than His Actions If you say or do something negative in response to the alcoholics latest screw-up, then the alcoholic can react to your reaction. If you remain quiet, or if you go on with your life as if nothing has happened, then the alcoholic is left with nothing to respond to except her own actions. If you react negatively, you are giving her an emotional out. Do Not Try to Drink With the Alcoholic Many family members, feeling abandoned by the alcoholic because of his love-affair with alcohol, have tried to become part of his world again by trying to drink with him. It rarely works. The alcoholics relationship with alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Normal drinkers can rarely keep up. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them Saying, If you dont quit drinking, I will leave! is an ultimatum and a threat, but saying, I will not have drinking in my home is setting a boundary. You cant control whether someone quits drinking or not, but you can decide what kind of behavior you will accept or not accept in your life. Carefully Explain to the Alcoholic the Boundaries That You Have Setâ€"And Explain That the Boundaries Are for You, Not for Him One thing that members of Al-Anon learn is that they no longer have to accept unacceptable behavior in their lives. You may not be able to control the behavior of someone else, but you do have choices when it comes to what you find unacceptable. Setting boundaries is something that you do for your benefit, not to try to control another persons behavior. In order to effectively do this, its helpful to detach to some degree. Detaching is letting go of another persons alcohol problem and allows you to more objectively look at the situation. After reading through this list, you may have already noted ways in which youve been enabling your loved one with alcoholism. If youre still wondering, try taking our quiz. When You Stop Being an Enabler Many times when an alcoholics enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees. This can be extremely difficult to accept. Take some time to learn more about enabling and the family disease of alcoholism, attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It may also be helpful to learn more about the resources and information available for families affected by alcoholism. Attending Al-Anon in person will help you feel more empowered as you stop enabling, and less alone in the process. Unfortunately, none of us can control what another will do. Yet we do have the power to set boundaries and respect our own lives. Consider 10 things to stop doing if you love an alcoholic that can help you take back your own life whether or not your alcoholic gives up drinking. Why Is Alcoholism Called a Family Disease?